Seriously?

This is my new friend. He lives in my shoes. The orthotics man was kind enough to let me borrow these samples while he is creating my custom orthotic. This thing doesn't include any of the arch support I desperately need, but after slipping this thing in my shoe for a week, I have noticed serious reductions in pain. Like, 75% of my pain is just gone. My fingers are crossed that when I get the orthotic designed specifically for my foot that the rest of the pain goes away. Could it be just that easy?

New Characters

Last week I met with the orthotics man. I was a little apprehensive about the visit. I don't like not knowing what to expect, and with what I have riding on these shoe inserts, my stomach was in knots by the time they called me back. I am planning to write a long post next week when I pick up my custom inserts, but *SPOILER ALERT*....he gave me some non-custom inserts to wear while he is building mine and I am starting to feel really good. Really REALLY good.....stay tuned....

Breaking Point

I'm sad. This latest visit is getting me down. I can sense that I'm pulling away from people and I just want to be alone for awhile. I don't think this is a bad thing in the short term. I need to wrap my mind around what's happening, and I can't lean on anyone until I know exactly what it is that I need from my friends and family. As always, music is helping me though. I find this song on repeat more often than not:

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
You'll survive the day

Break Myself, Dashboard Confessional

Options

I had my appointment with Dr. McGorgeous this week to talk about the results of my ultrasound. If I haven't mentioned it before, please believe me when I say that he is truly an amazing doctor and PERSON who I know cares about me. He spent an hour with me, going through my MRI, my old CT scan and my ultrasound. Showed me which shadows were artifacts of the machine and which shadows meant something. Just took the time to really let me know what is going on. And what is going on is that my foot is falling apart. Literally. Bones are shifting where they shouldn't be. Strong ligaments are weak. Strong tendons are torn. Weak ligaments and tendons are strong. Two plus years of compensating has done a number on my foot and there are serious issues. He explained that the torn tendon is a symptom of a larger problem. Because my foot and ankle are no longer built correctly, even if he repairs this tendon, without any other intervention, I will tear something else. So, the other intervention that we need to start is a custom orthotic on my shoe. Yes. A shoe insert. Now, I've been using a store bought insert for quite some time, as well as shoes that were fitted for my feet to be stabilizing. But this isn't enough. So, I have an appointment next week to get a custom set of inserts. The purpose of this would be to force my foot back into proper shape. Now, for my options. Option 1 is that this orthotic works great, it takes the pressure off my torn tendon, and the tendon is able to heal itself. Option 2 is that the orthotic works 50%, and we would go in and sew up that tear. Option 3 is that the orthotic doesn't help at all. In this case, he will (and I'm quoting here) "have to rebuild my entire foot". We are talking about fusing the joints, so I will never bend my ankle again. Moving my heel bone back where it should be. Repairing tendons and ligaments to put the arch of my foot back where it should be. I won't lie. I let one single tear out when he said that. I let a lot more out later when I was alone. So what happens now? I get the orthotic, and I have 6 weeks to wait and see which option my body decides to go with.