Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Things are taking a turn

I'm getting stronger. Like, a lot stronger. I've been going to the gym 1-2 times per week since I posted last. My poor right knee, which has taken on the brunt of the work since my left ankle got hurt, is feeling so much better. I'm feeling so much better.

I'm still having nerve pain though. And in some unholy turn of events, the nerve pain comes on with my other PMS symptoms and lasts til the first day of my period. I don't know how this is all going to play out. But I do know that I'm having 25 good days a month and 5-6 bad ones. It's manageable. I'd like it to get better, and if there is any possible way for me to fight to get it better, I will.

I don't see Dr. McGorgeous again til June. I'm hoping to see some nerve pain improvement by then and I'd really like to avoid going to pain management.

I'm finding myself to be really emotional lately. I think the last 3+ years are starting to sink in and now that I'm not in a haze of pain I'm starting to understand just how bad things have been. I cry at song lyrics sometimes. I cry because I'm so grateful and so in awe that I'm now able to give you good updates. I can walk to my mailbox again. I can take out the garbage and go grocery shopping and get to work and school. I feel less like a burden to my friends and family. I can't believe my ankle isn't fused. I can't believe I found a doctor that cares as much as mine does. I can't believe he's fought as long and as hard on my behalf as he has. I don't know what I did to deserve a doctor like that. I'm getting less scared each day. Less scared of the surgery failing and less scared of hurting myself again. And I'm getting more powerful. It's hard for me to explain, but I think back to a year ago when I was visiting Indianapolis and just finding out that I had a genetic disorder and that I would need to donate my own bone graft. And that I would need my tibia sawed in half to place the graft. It was the feeling of "get knocked down 7 times, stand up 8." And there's power in that. Knowing that what you think are your limits aren't really your limits. "I can't do this" or "I can't go through this again" mean NOTHING. You can. You will. You will fight because you don't have any other choice. And even when you fail, and fail and your body fails you again, you get to be proud because you FOUGHT. I'm glad I have that.