Sunday, May 6, 2012
Leave it to you guys
Let me preface this by saying, I DO NOT want to write this. I have done my very best to avoid my blog, pretend it doesn't exist, pretend things aren't happening. But I woke up this morning to a blog comment that made me realize that I do want to get this off my chest. So here we go. About a month ago I noticed a stabbing pain in my foot, just underneath my subtalar joint. My immediate reaction, was "Oh please no!" but I managed to calm myself. And by calm myself, I mean that I pushed myself so far into denial that it took me weeks to get out of it. I couldn't walk those first two days. The pain woke me up out of a sound sleep. I was miserable. I immediately suspended my gym privileges. I was struggling enough just to get through the mandatory parts of my day. Along with the stabbing pain, the limping I was forced to do aggravated every single tendon below my knee. It felt like they were on fire. I did what I've learned to do- ice, anti-inflammatories and rest. But still, the pain persisted. After 4 weeks, I emailed Dr. McGorgeous and ran this all past him. He suspected a stress fracture in my foot and ordered x-rays, sight unseen. The x-rays were negative, which is common, so he wants to see me in a week. My foot is most definitely feeling better, but it has feeling better because I'm not doing anything. I tried something at the gym to see if I could get it to hurt, and I can. I've got a lot of anxiety because it's difficult to tell the difference between the tendon pain in my foot and this stabbing pain. Sometimes it feels unstable, which horrifies me to the point where I almost can't breathe. You can see why denial was a good place for me. It's going to be a long week of waiting.
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This may sound utterly retarded... but have you tried video games for relieving all that stress and to take your mind away? not casual video games like angry birds, I mean real immersing videogames, with high quality gameplay and graphics.
ReplyDeleteDenial... one thing I discovered about denial is that things happens they way they happen weather we accept them or not, it's like a hideous monster coming your way and you just stand there hands over your eyes trying so hard to believe nothing is there, but just split your fingers a bit and you can see it coming.
Take a deep breath, brace yourself of bravery and face it, you can do it.
Mary,
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting about your trials and experiences. I have been (as I was told today) obsessively reading your blog for the past 2 days and also researching everything. Tomorrow (monday) I have to make a surgical appointment for the repair of my ATFL and CFL. I am nervous and scared. Reading your blog has been helpful in knowing what to expect from the surgery and recovery.
Thank you,
Keri
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ReplyDeleteHey Mary, i'm sory if i'm bothering you but I was hoping we could talk a bit about my ankle... I've read your blog piece to piece, word to word and I just wanted to share my story (the whole almost-5-years-tragedy). If you are still reading the comments on the blog tell me if we can trade knowledge. Hope you feel better! Thank you for sharing your story!
ReplyDeleteYesterday was the 4 year anniversary of my injury. I am definitely still reading comments and planning my next post. I would be happy to read your story!
DeleteThanks a lot!
DeleteMy story began on August 28, 2008. I hada never ever injuried my ankle and from that day everything changed. I really get you when you say your life changed from the minute your ankle was injuried because I know the feeling! I was on the beach with my father just playing around. He was tackling me (I don't know if I wrote that just right, English is my second language. I'm referring to the act of getting someone to hit the ground like in american football and rugby) and when he run towards me I got scared (I was 15 years old) and when I fell I twisted my ankle so hard that it snapped. I'm not the kind of girl that goes running to the doctors and, like yourself I do not take pills unless I definitely have to so when the pain hit me I was breathless and nauseated. Despite that I never went to the doctors and just payed a visit to a PT my father knows. He said I was fine, just a sprained ankle with the bones "a little out of place" (I, to the present day, wonder what is "a little") and so it begun: Pain, day after day after day. I played soccer, got on with my life and I've tried so hard to forget about this... I couldn't.
Meanwhile I've started college, Biology (oh so cute!) and my college initiation made everything worse so I decided to go to a specialist. He tried the whole CT-scans-and-MRI-to-show-that's-nothing and in fact my exams showed nothing. By then again, pain has to come from some place, right? I know you get me Mary, I know you do! Please tell me if you do or if you want me to stop... If I'm talking tooo mutch just let me know...
I'm sorry... I'm just so used to people having more than enough of my ankle to stil be able to hear or talk about it or even ask so I tend to get a little careful when talking about it. Never mind me... How are you going? Biology's treating you well? Are you a doctor yet? If you are thinking about being an Ortopedic doctor I'll jump right on a plane to meet you!!
ReplyDeleteNot bothering me at all! I'm wondering when you got your diagnosis and what kind of surgeries you've had and how you are doing! I'm doing well, still trying to get into medical school. I'm still interested in orthopedics and I am considering specializing in foot and ankle surgery!
DeleteThank you for listening! So I went to the foot and ankle specialist and he told me my exams showed nothing wrong so he wanted to do the steroid injection directly to the ankle... that hurts... that bloody hell hurts... Not when the neadle is in, not in the minutes after but two hours later I was in the kind of pinful place where you just want to go crawl somewhere and die. Surprise, surporise... it did nothing... not even a little bit of relief... Went to the doctor once again and he began to talk abou arthroscopic exploratory surgery and so it was. July 5th I was getting in the O.R. Epidural, awake during surgery (it was kind of cool) and kind of freaking out. They told me I had lots of scar tissue and that they had cleaned the ankle and that my articular capsule was shreaded, almost non existent and (oh joy) that my external lateral ligament was ruptured. They also said that my pain was not related to the damaged ligament so they did nothing just like nothing was done to the articular capsule. So what in fact did they do? Don't really know, they just took the scar tissue... What about pain? It is still there, everyday 24-7 pain, pain, pain. I went through my PT, recovery, bandages, crutches, and right back to where I was, in pain and with an instable ankle. I'm going back to the doctor next week, 7 months after surgery and I don't really know what i'm going to say to him. I'm scared... I'm 19 and in constant pain, with a whole life to live... Yes I can do things, yes I have high heels and ware them, yes i run sometimes, but I'm always scared the pain gets worse.
DeleteWhat should I do??
I think it is always, always a good idea to get another opinion on things. If you can, find another doctor and start at the beginning. I had to go to a different time zone to find another specialist, but it was important to get another opinion. I hope you find someone who can make the pain stop. I totally understand how scary that is.
DeleteYou had surgery #8? I don't know what to say next week... I don't know if I should let it go and get on with my life... Really dont know..
DeleteNo surgery 8.
DeleteI wish I could help you make the decision to pursue it further or let it go and move on. I've thought that many many times myself. What it came down to is this question "Can I live the rest of my life the way I feel right now?" And the answers was always no. I'm at a place now where I can live like this, which is why I'm not pursuing any addition surgeries.
I don't know if I can or can't live like this, I know I'm stron and it's been almost 5 years now... it's hard to correct something that happened 5 years ago, my body is used to it... I don't know, I really don't. The fears is the worst. The pain I know I can handle it... somedays I can't sleep, some days I can't walk right but one day at a time I know I can... But the fear... The not knowing if or how the pain's going to be the next day and if it can get worse and if someday I'll be able to ignore the pain.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck, and thank you so very mutch for this blog and for your attention. Who knows if someday I'll get to know you as my doctor or as my co-worker. Maybe someday we will be friends and share stories and scars. Thank you!!
Don't worry too much about how the pain will be someday. If it gets that bad someday, you'll fix things then. Ask yourself if you can handle how things are right now.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad my little story on the internet was able to reach you and let you know that somebody really does understand how scary and difficult this can be. Good luck to you, and keep me posted on how things go next week.
Thank you so mutch! I wish you all the luck! One last question, with your extensive experience can it really not show on an MRI a ruptured ligament?
ReplyDeleteNeither one of my torn ligaments showed up on an MRI :)
ReplyDeleteHey Mary, how are you today? So let me tell you about my latest visit to the doctor. He told me that the pain is due to scar tissue that forms in the area where ligaments used to be and causes inflamation. He says it is normal and has nothing to do with the fact that I have no lateral ligament. I'm going back to physycal therapy and to taking medication (oh so happy!). Hope it is the answer I was looking for, but not very hopefull! Bye Bye Xo
ReplyDelete