Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Deja Vu

So I'm in the process of learning how to walk again. I went back and read the previous post I had done about it, and I realized something. There is NOTHING funny about this at the moment it is happening. Apparently, my humor only appears in hindsight? So bear with me here, because I am not currently feeling hilarious. I spent today with my boot on, but still using the crutches to carry 90% of my weight. I remember panicking last time and thinking I would never walk again. So I'm while I am, in fact, panicking that I'll never walk again, I'm not mad at myself for panicking. Ha! Does that even make any sense? I guess the good news here is that the pain and fear are taking up a lot of the space in my brain that had been devoted to worrying about Rheumatoid Arthritis. You should all be grateful that I didn't try writing earlier. Before I showered, it had been 5 (yep, seriously) days since my last shower. I was stuck on the couch, eating apples and watching Martha Stewart. That was seriously the peak of my post-surgical depression, so far. I hope that was the worst of it! That's not something I would normally talk about (the depression part, I mean. I laughed about the Martha Stewart part with everyone) but for some reason I feel compelled to share this process in its entirety. Yes, I am a truly hilarious human with what I feel is a generally good attitude towards everything (including myself, apparently!). BUT. I've also been in pain every day for over 15 months. I've gone through 5 surgeries. I've been worn down and given up and lost friends. I would be doing the universe a disservice if I at any point implied that this was easy. I wake up every day and feel like I'm preparing for battle. Today I don't have any "moral of the story" advice. I'm not desperately looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Today is just a day to be. It is what it is, and I've just about survived it. Maybe tomorrow will be different. And maybe it won't. There aren't any guarantees with this.

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