Friday, August 6, 2010

The latest

Results are in. The CT scan showed what I expected.

Don't get me wrong. I don't consider myself a pessimist. I don't THINK bad things are going to happen to me. But I do think that I know how my body feels. And I think I know when it's bad enough that it requires surgical intervention.

Now is one of those times. So I have officially reached the point where my ankle is un-google-able. WebMD doesn't have a clue. That's intense. I think I should buy a lottery ticket.

Dr. McGorgeous came in today and hadn't read the CT scan yet. He said he didn't want to cheat. So we looked at it together. It was fascinating to watch his game plan change with each picture that appeared. I wish I knew what he knew. The first few pictures showed a several bone spurs of varying intensity. To the point of looking pre-arthritic. Uhhhh, I never thought I'd be discussing arthritis at 26. Turns out, that would be the high point of the appointment. From there we saw more and more bony abnormalities. The plan turned to an arthroscopic surgery. Then we saw The Big One. The mother of all bony abnormalities. It turns out, the abnormalities are causing my joint not to move together correctly, which is why it feels so unstable. The Big One is so big that we decided the best course of action would be to forgo the arthroscopy and open up the joint completely. I'm actually really happy with this. I think the doctor will have a better idea of what's going on by opening it all the way up. I also think back to the meltdown I had after the diagnostic ultrasound. The one that showed there was nothing wrong with me. When there is nothing wrong with you, there is nothing to fix. This CT scan didn't show great things, but it gives us a game plan, and something to work on. I know I'm supposed to be upset that I need to have surgery, but honestly, I was more upset at being in pain for "no reason". So I am now scheduled for my 6th surgery in 15 months. I feel good about this. Each surgery has given me a little bit of my old life back. I can accept now that I'm never going to be that person again, physically or emotionally, but I know that I have the capability of getting to a really good, maybe even better place than I used to be. I can't express my gratitude for having a surgeon who didn't give up on me and send me to Pain Management when I truly had fixable problems. It's not lost on me that for every person like me who gets the intervention they need, there are many more who end up lost in the pain management shuffle. I could very easily be a person who spends the rest of their life on painkillers, and continues to give up all the parts of life I've given up for the last 19 months. I don't know why I wasn't put in that group, but I think the part of me that changed mentally knows that I have an obligation, forever, to make the most of that.


  1. I know this entry is SUPER old, but I just found your blog yesterday (I'm from the health & fitness board on the nest) and I'm getting caught up. I just wanted to say you're SO brave, and I really admire you. I live in fear of going through something like this, and reading your story makes me think it's something that's survivable. Thanks for putting it out there.

  2. This brought tears to my eyes. And I'm at work! Crap! :) Your words means a lot to me, and it makes me so happy I made my blog public. If you kept reading, you've seen that things in the last few weeks have been rough, but you reminded me that I CAN get through this.