Seriously?

This is my new friend. He lives in my shoes. The orthotics man was kind enough to let me borrow these samples while he is creating my custom orthotic. This thing doesn't include any of the arch support I desperately need, but after slipping this thing in my shoe for a week, I have noticed serious reductions in pain. Like, 75% of my pain is just gone. My fingers are crossed that when I get the orthotic designed specifically for my foot that the rest of the pain goes away. Could it be just that easy?

New Characters

Last week I met with the orthotics man. I was a little apprehensive about the visit. I don't like not knowing what to expect, and with what I have riding on these shoe inserts, my stomach was in knots by the time they called me back. I am planning to write a long post next week when I pick up my custom inserts, but *SPOILER ALERT*....he gave me some non-custom inserts to wear while he is building mine and I am starting to feel really good. Really REALLY good.....stay tuned....

Breaking Point

I'm sad. This latest visit is getting me down. I can sense that I'm pulling away from people and I just want to be alone for awhile. I don't think this is a bad thing in the short term. I need to wrap my mind around what's happening, and I can't lean on anyone until I know exactly what it is that I need from my friends and family. As always, music is helping me though. I find this song on repeat more often than not:

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
You'll survive the day

Break Myself, Dashboard Confessional

Options

I had my appointment with Dr. McGorgeous this week to talk about the results of my ultrasound. If I haven't mentioned it before, please believe me when I say that he is truly an amazing doctor and PERSON who I know cares about me. He spent an hour with me, going through my MRI, my old CT scan and my ultrasound. Showed me which shadows were artifacts of the machine and which shadows meant something. Just took the time to really let me know what is going on. And what is going on is that my foot is falling apart. Literally. Bones are shifting where they shouldn't be. Strong ligaments are weak. Strong tendons are torn. Weak ligaments and tendons are strong. Two plus years of compensating has done a number on my foot and there are serious issues. He explained that the torn tendon is a symptom of a larger problem. Because my foot and ankle are no longer built correctly, even if he repairs this tendon, without any other intervention, I will tear something else. So, the other intervention that we need to start is a custom orthotic on my shoe. Yes. A shoe insert. Now, I've been using a store bought insert for quite some time, as well as shoes that were fitted for my feet to be stabilizing. But this isn't enough. So, I have an appointment next week to get a custom set of inserts. The purpose of this would be to force my foot back into proper shape. Now, for my options. Option 1 is that this orthotic works great, it takes the pressure off my torn tendon, and the tendon is able to heal itself. Option 2 is that the orthotic works 50%, and we would go in and sew up that tear. Option 3 is that the orthotic doesn't help at all. In this case, he will (and I'm quoting here) "have to rebuild my entire foot". We are talking about fusing the joints, so I will never bend my ankle again. Moving my heel bone back where it should be. Repairing tendons and ligaments to put the arch of my foot back where it should be. I won't lie. I let one single tear out when he said that. I let a lot more out later when I was alone. So what happens now? I get the orthotic, and I have 6 weeks to wait and see which option my body decides to go with.

Lucky number 7

Well, my most recent visit with Dr. BlueEyes was much more successful than my last visit. Meaning, I didn't have a drug-withdrawal induced meltdown. I let him know before my visit started that I would not, under any circumstances, being crying at this visit, and I was going to redeem myself from our last ultrasound. Dr. BlueEyes was nice enough to go over the results of my MRI with me, since I haven't seen Dr. McGorgeous yet. Basically, the MRI showed inflammation. Nothing to write home about. Dr. BlueEyes said he was guessing that I have some tendonitis, and we'd hit it with some steroids. I said, lets see what that ultrasound shows, I have a habit of doing weird things. I also mentioned that dissolving suture lump and how it bothers me. So we start the ultrasound. It didn't take long for me to hear the word "split" come out of his mouth. I asked him what was split, and he said that he wasn't convinced yet, he needed to look around some more. It was only a few seconds later when he found the view he was looking for. My anterior tibialis tendon is split longways. I tore a freaking tendon. I TORE a TENDON. Three months ago. My options? Surgery. I think I was the least surprised person in the room to hear that. Of course it needs surgery. If it only hurt a little bit, do you think I'd go for x-rays, a bone scan, and MRI and an ultrasound???? Nope. So he puts the ultrasound wand on the other side of my ankle and we look at the lump. It's definitely a lump. I asked him to take it out, and he laughed about how I wanted this tiny little lump out. But then he asked for a scalpel. So I did get a shot of lidocaine to numb it, but I still felt most of it. He took out my lump, which no longer was a suture, but had turned into a yucky blood clot. Then he put a stitch in to keep everything closed up. I'll take that out in a week. While he was sewing, I told him he better make that suture nice, because I don't want an ugly scar! Fortunately for me, Dr. BlueEyes gets my sense of humor and laughed. So where do we stand now? Well, in a week and a half I'll go talk to Dr. McGorgeous about what this next surgery entails. Wish me luck!

Happy Anniversary!

Two years ago this evening I walked into the gym and walked out with my life changed. I didn't know then what was in store for me, and even now I don't know if there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I got a call from Dr. McGorgeous today. I don't have a stress fracture. I never did. It turns out there's a lot of inflammation in the joint itself (which is what appeared positive on the bone scan). He's sending me back to Dr. Blueeyes for an ultrasound. It seems like there may be a nerve that's compressed in there. I've had surgery before to release a nerve on the other side of my shin. The appointment isn't for another week, but I may try to pull some strings and get in there early.

Ugh

I don't even want to tell you this. I don't want to write it and make it real. I saw Dr. McGorgeous on Thursday. We talked a little about how the bone scan was positive for an injury, and how it had been 7 weeks and nothing was really getting better. He grabbed my ankle and pushed a few spots. It drives me nuts that he always knows EXACTLY where to push to make it hurt. And then he looked at my scan again, looked back at me, and asked "So what do you want to do now?" omfg. He is asking me what I want to do. This can't be good. And so I tell him that resting and wearing my boot are making things worse, so I don't rest and I don't wear my boot like he asked me to. He tells me that at this point an MRI is one possibility, an ultrasound being another. I have no problem with either of these options, but I was sort of confused by WHY we would need another test when the bone scan has already confirmed the stress fracture. And in case you think I've learned one single thing in the past two years of doing this, I'm about to prove you wrong. I ask him, "Do we really need to do another test? It's not like you repair stress fractures, right?"
Wrong.
Turns out that all stress fractures are not created equal. My stress fracture is in my medial malleolus. This is considered a "critical" stress fracture because they are notorious for not healing. Surgery IS an option. Plates and screws to hold the bone together. Medial malleolus stress fractures are rare (of course) and even if I do not have surgery, it can take a year or longer for my body to repair this injury on it's own. Dr. McGorgeous mentioned an NBA player who had this injury and it took him 2.5 years to heal. Granted, I am not trying to play professional basketball here, but that's a good example of how nasty these injuries are.
So what now? Well, we do the MRI. We see how bad the fracture is. We make decisions based on the facts. In the meantime, I wait. And wait. And wait. I have spent the last 5 months putting my life back together after my 6th surgery. I am trying to imagine losing all the things I have gained in order to have a 7th. For the most part, I just CAN'T go there right now. At the same time, my other option is to be in pain for a year or longer to heal naturally. Rock vs. hard place.