Tuesday, March 2, 2010
When you can't take a shower. No seriously, the first three days after surgery are a blurry, drug-induced haze, but after that I remember everything clearly, unfortunately. The night of my surgery, I discovered that I could not, in fact, crutch into the bathroom and sit on a toilet. Without walls near enough to hold onto, I was attempting to maintain balance on one leg, lowering myself without using the crutches (since they don't bend) or a wall for stability. I know you all have a mental image, but it was even more dangerous than what you are thinking. Cut to a picture of the rolling desk chair. Which I began rowing myself into the bathroom on. Needless to say, since I wasn't even properly potty trained on crutches, a shower was not in the cards. Over the next two weeks, various forms of not using stairs and having my hair washed for me ensued. Cleanliness and dignity were long forgotten. I used babywipes to clean myself most days. An actual shower involved wrapping my cast in a garbage bag, duct taping the top, placing a chair in the shower, and everyone praying I didn't slip and fall getting in and out. I'd say I took three showers from surgery day to my next doctor's appointment two weeks later. I was so excited for that day. My cast was coming off! This could only mean good things. We sat in the waiting room for a very long time. Long enough for my zen-like patience (ha!) to wear out and me to ask the receptionist what the hold up was. She told me they were waiting for a seat in the cast room. W.T.F. The cast room? I'm supposed to be coming out of my cast, not going into one! But it happened. They took off my cast and removed my stitches. With a chainsaw. Ok, not really, BUT last week I cut my finger and got three stitches and took them out myself to avoid having one of these nice ladies do it for me. No joke. After the stitches were out, they asked me to bend my ankle to 90 degrees so they could put my fiberglass cast on. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Yeah, not so much. So I got yelled at for my lack of range of motion, put it a pretty pink cast, and I crutched out of the office exactly as I had come in. Two more weeks of waiting!